After the Storm

After the storm comes the calm and it certainly is. I've returned from the clinic and after an ultrasound (apparently at 39 I'm too young for a mammogram) I got the all clear.

My symptoms are still unexplained as the surgeon wasn't much of a talker and was interested in finding things rather than work out what's wrong. But hey, that's good for me, I'll get someone else to sort that out now.

I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and after being collected by the hubby and kids I wanted to eat food, relax and enjoy.

So I had one of these...

I counted my blessings and also had a prayer for all those who don't get such a result. I am aware that I'm lucky.

I want to remind people to check and be 'breast aware' because that's the only way you give yourself the best chances.

Today's the day

Today I have the dreaded clinic visit and believe me when I say dreaded.

I feel the fear, my heart is hammering in my body and all I've managed to eat is a banana. I feel sick, my head is pounding and it feels like I'm about to sit the worst exam in the world.

Today is the day everything and nothing changes. If it's bad then all stations go and we have to deal with the hand we've been dealt. If it's good news I'd like to think I will learn from in and in 6 months time still remember this day and how lucky I am, not to moan at the kids and just appreciate my life. But I know that I won't, it's easy to forget the scares and carry on, not learning one jot of what you should.

My husbands face belies the terror my heart feels. If this goes tits up (literally) where does that leave us all? This has been the longest two weeks wait and part of me wants to prolong it further just to try and keep things normal.

So many questions are floating around and I'm more worried about the stupid bits like what will hubby feed the kids today, hope I'm back at a reasonable time today, like I say, the really non important stuff right now.

I'm not nearly 40! A life's big lesson

Well I set this blog up when I turned 39 (the day after) and decided I'd document all the things I did in my last year in my 30's. Me worried about turning 40...how can you tell?

But I've left it for months and written nothing at all. I find myself today in a dark place and thought I'd put it on paper. Tomorrow I'm off to the breast clinic as I've got an iffy boob.

It's been two weeks since I visited the doctor and I've tried (& failed) to keep my calm about it all. I am literally quaking with fear and I'm not sure why. In my own mind I've sort of geared myself up for having the big C and then I veer the other way and think 'nah your being stupid, it's nothing' but I just can't shake the feeling. I'm not usually a hypochondriac.

We watched 'The C Word' last night too, probably not my best idea but equally I like to be prepared and think I'd rather know what I could be faced with.

I'm not scared of having anything, I just don't want to f*ck up my kids lives. I have a four year old and a (just) one year old....they are so little to have a life interrupted by something like this.

Well anyway let me get a bit vain and superficial about it all now. If I have the Big C then I started a list of what I'm going to do...

1) buy some kick arse makeup (Naked palette), good foundation and a bit of blush

2) go out for an evening with my hubster

3) write like manic about the children, record our likes/dislikes etc

4) take my daughter out for the day

5) I'd eat cake...lots of cake

See I know, these are really important things aren't they?

But hey, it's getting me through it right now.